Finding out your child has done something sexually harmful

Finding out your child has done something sexually harmful

Dr Elly Hanson, Clinical Psychologist and adviser to CEOP Education, provides some guidance and things to think about if you discover that your child has sexually harmed another.

Parents text content

What if someone says my child had done something sexually harmful?

This is likely to feel very upsetting and it can be hard at first to think straight.

  • Find space to express and make sense of your feelings about it all. You could, for example, talk to someone you trust, or go for a long walk. This will help to stop any strong feelings, like anger or defensiveness, taking over, for example, when you are with your child or with the person who has said this. You being calm and thinking things through will help everyone.

  • Take what is being said seriously. Find out what you can from any people involved who might know more, asking as many open questions as you can to understand. You may not feel ready to have these conversations right away.

  • Talk to your child. It will help you get to the truth. Let them know that whatever they say, you will not reject them, shame them or lose your temper (and of course, stick to this commitment). 

  • Share hope. Let them know that whatever they tell you, you’re focussed on finding a way forward.

You might never find out exactly what happened. If this is the case, it is still worth reading the advice below, because there will be things that will help if your child is at risk of harmful sexual behaviour, but won’t hurt if they’re not.

Five principles of positive sexual behaviour

Help your child understand why their behaviour was harmful and what positive sexual behaviour looks like, by exploring these five principles. 

  1. Mutual desire. Each person’s feelings matter to the other, and they build in a positive spiral (one person’s happiness makes the other person feel good and vice versa).

  2. Listening & communication. Each person listens to their own and the other person’s feelings and responds to them. For example, if one person expresses that they feel unsure, the other person hears this and doesn’t carry on. In sexual situations, a lot of communication is bodily and non-verbal, and all types of communication should be listened to.

  3. Respect and care. Each person matters to the other (and themselves) and so they treat one another with value, respect and care.

  4. Broad equality. There’s no significant power dynamic which might make the other principles harder to follow. Both people should feel able to express a desire for things to stop without worries or fear.

  5. Honesty. Both people are honest about who they are and their intentions in the situation. There aren’t any lies or holding back of important information.

These principles are much easier to follow when the people involved already know one another and have built trust.

Parents text content

What if I suspect or know my child has done something sexually harmful?

There’s a lot you can do to help.  Don’t forget to get support for yourself and give yourself time, so that you’re in the best place to help your child.

After talking about what happened, you can also:

  • Help your child think about why they behaved like this – do they have any negative beliefs or influences in their life? Look at this like team-work and be sure they also take responsibility for what has happened – it isn’t about finding excuses.  

  • Help them to understand why their behaviour was harmful, for example by using the five principles of healthy sexual behaviour above, and discussing their thoughts on different situations.

  • Develop a plan together of how they will avoid acting like this again. Good plans are usually about getting rid of negative influences and avoiding high-risk situations, for instance by spending more time in positive friendships and activities. Push the conversation beyond ‘I just won’t do it again’ and focus on the detail of how they won’t.

  • Discuss how they might apologise. In many situations, this can really help the person who has been harmed. Also, when someone owns what they’ve done and expresses true remorse, this can be a powerful experience for them, helping them in making positive changes.
  • If your child is a teenager, have a look together at Shore, a website run by a charity, The Lucy Faithfull Foundation, with helpful advice and support for teenagers worried about their sexual behaviour. This might then spark useful chats between you, and they can also spend time exploring its information and advice alone.

  • If your child is defensive or opens up very little, help them to see that ignoring is unhelpful, whereas being honest and open to change is a sign of strength and is best for everyone, including them.

As well as talking to your child:

  • Talk to your child’s school about what has happened – they should help to reduce the chance of problems in the future. You may be wondering whether you should also talk to the police or social services – discussing the situation with the NSPCC or Stopitnow helplines could help you decide. If you are concerned that a child is at risk of sexual abuse (from your child or someone else), contact your local child protection team (social services).
  • Do what you can to manage any things you think might have added to their behaviour, for example, peer or family views, pornography, stress, alcohol, loneliness. Limiting their exposure to harmful influences is important and explain to them why.

  • Consider therapy or mentoring for your child. This could help them with any difficulties controlling their thoughts or feelings, addictive behaviours (including towards the online world), depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, or harmful views on sex and gender. You may be able to find a therapist via your child’s GP, or other support from school and social services.

It’s important to take what has happened seriously, and to also see your child as a whole, including their strengths and positives. Spend time together, be available, and support them in building a full life.