A range of emotions
If you discover your child has been abused, you may find yourself experiencing a range of feelings, from confusion and anger, to horror and disgust, to grief and betrayal.
You may feel frustrated and helpless, or find yourself numb.
Naturally, there are no right or wrong ways to feel in this situation – the most important things are:
- finding ways of understanding and managing your feelings
- offering effective support to your child
Children’s feelings
Children who have experienced sexual abuse also often experience feelings like confusion, fear, anger and betrayal. They often blame themselves and feel embarrassed or ashamed. They might have these feelings during the abuse, when it’s discovered or when they have told someone, or at some point in the future.
What exactly happened and how it happened will affect how you and your child feel. People who sexually abuse often make the child feel like it is somehow their fault, and may also threaten or deceive them. How the abuser worked to keep the abuse secret and how they used their power will have an impact.
What do young people need from their parents in this situation?
Every child is different - but research into the views of young people has found some common themes. You may already be doing these things, and you’ll want to think about how these will work for your child, as you know them best.
- Be warm, comforting and empathetic towards your child, recognise that they may have complex feelings about what’s happened, but try not to guess or assume what they are.
- Have a meaningful conversation, ask about their feelings, with space to talk about anything that may be on their mind about the situation. Regularly check-in with them about how they’re doing, and communicate that you are available for further conversations as and when they want to talk about this (without there being any pressure for this).
- Avoid questions that might feel intrusive or putting pressure on them about ‘what happened’. Focus on understanding how they are feeling now and what they might like from you.
- Think about your own feelings first, before having these conversations. It might be useful to talk to someone else to help you process your own emotions.
- Recognise your feelings and think about which are helpful to share with your child and which may not be. It might be helpful for your child to see some of how you’re feeling, but it's important not to leave them feeling anxious or weighed down by your emotions. Some common worries that children have are that their parents won’t be able to cope, that they’ll become overly protective and anxious, or that they’ll explode with anger (either towards the abuser or themselves).
- Young people often worry about the ‘stigma’ of having been abused. Avoid treating your child as if they are different in any way because of it.
- Notice and share with them the strengths they have used to manage or cope with the abuse.
- Explore with your child what if any other support they might like and seek out this support for or with them. This is especially important if there are signs that they are struggling.
- Think about whether the abuse has definitely stopped. (Often abuse continues even after a child has told someone about it). If you have any doubts, explore these with your child and other relevant people – for more advice on this, see below.
- Think about whether there are any things you can do to keep your child safer from further sexual abuse (by the same abuser or another) and take protective action where necessary– whilst also holding in mind your child’s other needs, such as for growing independence.
- More generally, make sure to be spending regular, relaxed times together. This is the foundation for your child knowing you are there for them.
Things children need to know
There are some key messages that are important for children and young people to hear and see from you:
- I believe you
- I don’t blame you in any way; I blame the abuser
- The abuse says nothing about you or who you are. I don't see you any differently - apart from seeing how strong you have been
- I trust you know who is the best person for you to talk to (for example, me, your other parent or carer, other family, friends, a therapist or counsellor)
- If there is someone else you’d like to talk to, I can help to set this up
- You can always talk to me at any time. I know different feelings can come up further down the line
- There is a way forward
A few words about belief and blame
It might sound unnecessary to say ‘believe your child’ and ‘don’t blame them’ but very often family and friends can fall into traps of blame and ungrounded disbelief, because, strangely enough, they can be quite normal reactions. The message here is that if you know to look out for this in yourself, you can spot any feelings like these and avoid acting on them.
It can be a normal reaction when a parent sees their child getting hurt to feel frustrated with their child for anything they seemed to do to play a part – these feelings can come from a place of love but, if shown, can end up causing more hurt.
It’s the same with ungrounded disbelief – sometimes it can be hard to believe what children say because we don’t want to accept it – but, again, acting on this leaves children feeling much worse and can leave them at risk of more abuse. (Of course there are some situations which might lead to uncertainty or disbelief, for example if a child has been put under pressure to make an allegation – here we are talking about disbelief without good reasons for it).
Research has shown that children who are taken seriously after they talk about abuse do a lot better than those who are not, all the way into adulthood.
Showing you are accepting is about more than just not saying things that are obviously disbelieving or blaming. Avoid any actions that could imply that you might blame or not believe them, such as asking lots of probing questions - or not saying anything. Children are often already blaming themselves and may well expect this from others. This means parents need to really show that they think differently.
Protecting your child and others from further abuse
Reporting the abuse to social services (child protection) or the police can feel like a difficult decision, particularly if your child doesn’t want anyone to know or you aren’t 100% certain of all the facts. At the same time, it can be an important step in protecting your child and others. If you report, bear in mind that your child doesn’t have to go through the whole criminal justice process. It’s an option to just report so the police and social services have this information in their systems in case it helps them protect others.
The NSPCC helpline is a good option for discussing your concerns, and they offer advice and support in reporting further.
If your child was abused online, you may be thinking about what you can to increase your child’s safety online and prevent any further abuse. Helpful steps include:
Have regular chats about their online life – the apps they’re using, what they’re doing, who they’re talking to. Be curious, interested, open. Share safety tips if relevant, alongside emphasising that you will never blame them if they don’t manage to follow this advice and something bad happens.
Consider what if any parental controls you might need to put in place (blocks on pornographic content are always important). In most situations, avoid surveilling your child on or through their phone – it is better to build your knowledge through building trust.
Encourage your child to avoid platforms and apps that have high risks of harm, and support them in adjusting their safety settings if relevant (for example, so that personal images or information are only visible to people they know).